Resume

This week I received yet another rejection letter from a job I interviewed for. Yet again, it was one that I thought I was perfectly qualified for, and in my head had already worked out all the details regarding when I would start working there. Bummer. Anyway, I’ve become strangely more convinced that I will be offered a job through the internet, based perhaps on my hi-LARIOUS tweets, or fascinating blog. Someone out there may just read them and say “This is exactly the creative, unique young go-getter we need working for us at a grossly inflated wage. But we’re going to have to send her directly to our London office.”

So, please take the time to read my resume.

 

Sarahfloss – Resume

Experience and special skills-

  • Has worked in retail and customer service for over 8 years. 8 long, agonising years.
  • Is adaptable and responsive to new environments, having never worked in the same position longer than 18 months.
  • Can assemble flat-packed IKEA furniture with only a knife and a heavy shoe.
  • Can differentiate between the Allen’s pineapple lollies and the inferior Home Brand variety by taste.
  • Discovered the “mute” button on her iPhone only a month after purchasing.
  • Is able to accurately render the cast of AD/BC: A Rock Opera in paper collage purely from memory.
  • Has really big hair, is remarkably adept at beehiving.
  • Has a truly astounding sense of colour co-ordination.
  • Knows all the words to the rap in Blondie’s Rapture and is willing to display this skill at parties.
  • Bakes like a mad bitch.
  • Is an excellent dancer. Can waggle legs and flail arms roughly in time to the music, though never both at the same time.
  • Has read Moby Dick, Mrs Dalloway and 3/16ths of War and Peace. Understood NONE of it.
  • Is totally not a psycho, and is fully aware of the invisible line between “fan” and “stalker”. Mostly.
  • Speaks fluent Bird.
  • Can do uncannily accurate impressions of Bono, Gary Numan, and the lead singer from Fine Young Cannibals.
  • Can do lots of other stuff good, too.

 

Education-

  • The School of Hard-Knocks
  • The University of Life
  • Google
  • Wikipedia

iPhone Apps-

  • Bejeweled 2– High Score 106, 085, Level 15
  • DoodleJump– High Score 49,177
  • Tetris– High Score 435,695
  • Zombieville USA– High Score 465 zombies killed, Level 15

Interests-

  • Frontwoman for the (very) underground electro-pop outfit Dubious Gum
  • Chocolate connoisseur
  • Enjoys British comedy
  • Enjoys outdoor activities, like that sport with the balls, or whatever?
  • Men with red hair

Awards-

  • The Martha Stewart Award for Excellence in Baking, Borders, 2006
  • Most Likely to be Famous/Infamous, Bunnings Warehouse, 2003
  • Academic award, Year 3, 1992
  • 2nd place, 50 m sprint, 1989

References-

  • Jessica KaKa: Relationship- Band manager, legal counsel, choreographer, Rennaissance woman, spirit guide
  • Cass O’Wary: Relationship- Pimp.
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4 Responses to “Resume”

  1. TittyKaKa Says:

    So, when can you start?

  2. Jessica Says:

    Cleary your best skill is your impression ofthe lead singer from Fine Young Cannibals. Words do not do that justice, you should have video evidence.

  3. kaleidolia Says:

    You should be a personal stylist. The entertainment value alone would be several hundred points in your favour.

    Someone will totally respond to this, of that I’m sure. *sage nod*

  4. kirstenin Says:

    You’re hired. And to prove it…

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