Resume

This week I received yet another rejection letter from a job I interviewed for. Yet again, it was one that I thought I was perfectly qualified for, and in my head had already worked out all the details regarding when I would start working there. Bummer. Anyway, I’ve become strangely more convinced that I will be offered a job through the internet, based perhaps on my hi-LARIOUS tweets, or fascinating blog. Someone out there may just read them and say “This is exactly the creative, unique young go-getter we need working for us at a grossly inflated wage. But we’re going to have to send her directly to our London office.”

So, please take the time to read my resume.

 

Sarahfloss – Resume

Experience and special skills-

• Has worked in retail and customer service for over 8 years. 8 long, agonising years.
• Is adaptable and responsive to new environments, having never worked in the same position longer than 18 months.
• Can assemble flat-packed IKEA furniture with only a knife and a heavy shoe.
• Can differentiate between the Allen’s pineapple lollies and the inferior Home Brand variety by taste.
• Discovered the “mute” button on her iPhone only a month after purchasing.
• Is able to accurately render the cast of AD/BC: A Rock Opera in paper collage purely from memory.
• Has really big hair, is remarkably adept at beehiving.
• Has a truly astounding sense of colour co-ordination.
• Knows all the words to the rap in Blondie’s Rapture and is willing to display this skill at parties.
• Bakes like a mad bitch.
• Is an excellent dancer. Can waggle legs and flail arms roughly in time to the music, though never both at the same time.
• Has read Moby Dick, Mrs Dalloway and 3/16ths of War and Peace. Understood NONE of it.
• Is totally not a psycho, and is fully aware of the invisible line between “fan” and “stalker”. Mostly.
• Speaks fluent Bird.
• Can do uncannily accurate impressions of Bono, Gary Numan, and the lead singer from Fine Young Cannibals.
• Can do lots of other stuff good, too.

 

Education-

• The School of Hard-Knocks
• The University of Life
• Google
• Wikipedia

iPhone Apps-

• Bejeweled 2- High Score 106, 085, Level 15
• DoodleJump- High Score 49,177
• Tetris- High Score 435,695
• Zombieville USA- High Score 465 zombies killed, Level 15

Interests-

• Frontwoman for the (very) underground electro-pop outfit Dubious Gum
• Chocolate connoisseur
• Enjoys British comedy
• Enjoys outdoor activities, like that sport with the balls, or whatever?
• Men with red hair

Awards-

• The Martha Stewart Award for Excellence in Baking, Borders, 2006
• Most Likely to be Famous/Infamous, Bunnings Warehouse, 2003
• Academic award, Year 3, 1992
• 2nd place, 50 m sprint, 1989

References-

• Jessica KaKa: Relationship- Band manager, legal counsel, choreographer, Rennaissance woman, spirit guide
• Cass O’Wary: Relationship- Pimp.

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